Petyon for President 2008!

The news this weekend stirred with the rumblings of the quadrennial melee that is the bid for the Democratic and Republican nominations for the Presidency. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have thrown their hats in the ring on one side (assuming that the DNC, if a wrestling match, would actually follow rules or traditions rather than being a veritable Fight Club), and Rudy Giuliana and John McCain on the other. In the wake of Hillary Clinton announcing her bid as President and the Colts beating the Patriots in the AFC Championship for a Super Bowl bid, I present to you the formula for a winning ticket in next year's presidential election: Peyton Manning for President 2008. America may indeed be finally ready for a female president, but not for Hillary. Her half-hearted steps towards moderation are a flimsy veil for her neo-socialist brand of statism, and if you think the Bush administration was leaning towards totalitarianism, just wait til Hillary's Storm Troopers take over, with their lack of accountability to the conservatives of America regarding spending and government interference. Kafka's The Trial would be revealed as a prophetic rather than representative work.
Manning would make a better candidate than the current contenders regardless of career choice and political convictions. In our nation's history there has been determined possibly only one certain fact about the presidency: compromise is the main skill needed for a successful administration. Political convictions are always swept under the rug along with promises to constituents and the hairballs left on the carpet by executive mistresses anyway, so a temporary pandering to the interests of one party or the other in order to gain a nomination is merely a stepping stone to the presidency and not an actual indication of policy direction.
Manning's New Orleans heritage (his father is former Saints helmsman Archie Manning) would rein in the Southern voting bloc as well as provide an innate sympathy for the victims of natural disasters, thus tempering the gripe of those who expected the government to make bad weather illegal in the wake of Katrina. Barack "This fairy tale ends in Chicago" Obama can take his polarizing comments about the success of the Saints back to Illinois, which is where he will most likely remain thanks to his polarizing comments. His loyalty to the Bears has most likely succeeded in alienating himself from a large portion of African-American votes in the South, which would have been one of his strongest blocs otherwise, and will have been proved hasty after the Colts win the Super Bowl on February 4.
Because of a hesitation to take action under pressure, Manning would also resolve complaints from both sides of the political spectrum regarding America's move away from isolationism in foreign policy. A more strict adherence to the "Shoot Second" ideal would be the fallout, and if we were attacked first, then at least America would have the reassurance of knowing that the president could easily lob a grenade through the Oval Office window to any attackers approachign though, say, the South Lawn or Rose Garden. Manning is also reliable; he's not missed any games and only missed one snap throughout his career, so we can count on our future president not taking any unannounced hiatuses (hiati?) or sick days, unless Lorenzo Bromell penetrates the Secret Service Defense and breaks his jaw again.
The old adage "Nothing is certain but death and taxes" would be upended in the Manning Administration. As the most highly-paid player in NFL history, Manning would surely take pity on the upper eschelon of taxpayers providing the bulk of federal income and institute a new budget centering around the actual birth of heretofore mythological tax breaks.
By putting his old buddy Reggie Miller on the ticket as VP candidate, Manning would cover most of America demographically, ensuring his victory. Milller's Midwest loyalties, basketball ties, and African-American descent would snag the floaters which Manning's Southern heritage, football ties, and Caucasian descent don't reel in. In addition to collecting the majority vote through wise alliances, Manning's high visibility due to endorsements would raise awareness of himself as a candidate. This could be interpreted by the electorate as a loyalty or obligation to Big Business, but what president has been free from that interest? None.
So... Peyton for President 2008! Eli can be Secretary of Defense.
And maybe I'll get a Supreme Court seat.